Since May last year, I’ve struggled with the thought of dying to oneself. It’s never easy to face our inabilities especially if it’s in the physical sense. I guess that’s why some people go through a “mid-life crisis”. During my twenties, I think most of us hang on to our youth until we turn 30. Now I won’t be getting a corvette any time soon. I learned a long time ago to accept my actual age when it actually arrives.

Over the last decade, I started seeing how difficult it was keeping up my physical appearance. I realized how much effort it was and still is. In high school, I ran track and even joined most of the intramural sports offered at college. After college, I realized if no one’s looking I didn’t have to work as hard and push myself. After having children,  both my husband, Adam, and I had to make a conscious effort to improve our physical capabilites. I wouldn’t say it’s easy by any means. This past week I’ve made a huge effort to go to the gym more and work out muscles I never thought I ever had. It sounds sad, I know, because I see people in their sixties probably in better shape than me. It does give me great hope I won’t be waiting till my sixties to come to this reality. I hope someone in their thirties will think the same way when I’m in my sixties.

I started to create smaller short-term goals to attain my long term life goals. I’ve proclaimed being in excellent shape before being pregnant with our third child. Then, in 2011, I’ve decided to sign up for the Disney marathon. It’s one of my life’s goals while living in Orlando. After accomplishing this goal, I plan on making more goals like this every year. I believe setting these goals gives me great ambition and motivation to do great things in life. And maybe, these smaller goals will inspire me to do bigger things on a larger scale in life.

Now you’re probably wondering what exactly inspired this in me. For many of us, it takes a swift kick from a good friend, a tragic accident, love, or a great role model. For me, it took seeing my husband’s grandfather and mother. Adam’s grandfather, Bob, who’s 86 years old has had some serious physical problems such as breathing and walking. Of course, he’s in his eighties and he’s living with great spirit. And in September 2008, Adam’s mother, Pam, discovered having cancer spread throughout her body which derived from breast cancer a few years ago. Her cancer had spread rapidly since she had discovered it. We had stayed in Kansas City, Missouri, for most of November. Then we headed back a week and half later for another couple more weeks. We’re fortunate God has graced her with us till this day. We continue to pray for healing. Talking about this is never easy for anyone especially me who’s a closet crier.

I would never pray anyone should experience this in their whole life but I also don’t know if you’d ever know the great meaning of life if you didn’t. My perspective of life has altered my life greatly when someone experiences pain, suffering, love, or struggle. When I was about 10 years old, I took singing lessons instructed by a woman in her seventies named Mrs. Peace. I went over to her house almost every week singing songs as she played the piano. She played with such excitement where at times I wanted to laugh with happiness. After our lessons, we often sat in her kitchen sitting and talking as she gave me a snack. One day, my parents got a phone call from one of her family members saying she had passed away from old age. I know she wasn’t a close family member but this was my first experience of losing someone I knew so dear to me. That day I locked myself in my parents’ bathroom until my oldest sister, Farah, bribed me to come out and talked to me about what happened. We went to her funeral and I stood over his coffin and just broke down crying. As time goes on, those memories of her started to fade as just nice faint memories of someone I hold dear like in a photo album or a video playing back on DVD.

I can easily say losing someone is something most people struggle with in life. We often struggle with our faith and what to believe in times like this. It’s easy to lay the blame that God doesn’t exist when pain and suffering is concerned. And it doesn’t make me feel better that my only resolution to pain and suffering is having God take the heat. When I was younger, I struggled with my faith because it was “easier” to not know anything and believe everything was relative but that would be an absolute as well. I often had complex thoughts about what was real and what wasn’t. I even doubled majored in Philosophy in college trying to understand it all. I wouldn’t say I’m an intellect or a great philosopher in my day but I can prove a theory and make an opinon just like anyone else. Losing someone you love in your life is very real to me. Those emotions are very real to me. Science and medicine can’t always predict why anyone lives till he’s 86 and live to tell about it. The doctors can’t explain why Pam has lived past November when they thought it was a matter of weeks. If we didn’t believe, there wouldn’t be faith.