I believe I was 14 years old when I started wondering how it felt to be pregnant. I’d often find myself staring at women who were pregnant and thinking how weird it must be to have another human being inside of you.  I’d wondered what it meant to me and how this would change my life. I even volunteered in my church’s nursery, so I’d get a chance to hold the little babies. I thought how cuddly and sweet these babies were.  As I was holding these babies, I questioned whether I would ever be a mother and if I’d ever be a good one. And that was the beginning, the beginning of what was in store for me – motherhood.

As a young woman, I never knew if I’d ever get married or would ever have children at all. I knew I had to be okay with that if the day ever came for me but recalling those memories as a young girl holding those babies in the nursery seemed to be something that would cross my mind occasionally. Deep down, I had a true desire to be a mother but I was still apprehensive whether or not I’d make the right choices in life.  Back then, my future seemed so calculated. Making decisions dealing with any kind of real commitment seemed like a math formula. I would have to have the right mathematical precision in order to get the correct solution.  I guess you can say it was selfish on my part preventing a natural desire to happen physically.  I believe it can be selfish not to allow that kind of love into your life. When I say ’selfish’ I don’t mean all women prevent that from happening on purpose, some women are unable to have babies naturally or may even have difficulties physically.  And sometimes, some women allow that kind of love through nieces, nephews, close friends’ kids, and extended relatives. 

Gianna calls this the Mommy Bear card.

Over the years, I eventually got married in my mid-twenties and warmed up to the idea of motherhood in my late twenties. When a woman decides to have a child or has a strong desire to have one, that desire becomes apparently clear especially among her surroundings.  I started to look at other pregnant women, babies in strollers, families walking together in the park, and mothers feeding their babies. For months, this seemed extremely obvious to me which questioned my ability having children.  After going to the doctor, I still didn’t have a real answer. I later questioned all the external constraints that might have prevented my desire from becoming a reality. I eventually relieved myself of my current profession which was working for a well-known coffee company at the time.  And a few months later, I was pregnant.

I remember the feeling I got when the doctor called me and said, “You’re pregnant.” I was amazed because I took two pregnancy tests earlier in the week and it was negative. I immediately called my husband, Adam, and he was so excited. I can hear his voice filled with joy. We waited a few weeks to tell our families until we had our first ultrasound. It was quite hard to contain this news. Almost five years ago this month, we made a trip to Virginia Beach, Virginia, for my brother’s graduation from grad school on Mother’s Day weekend. We had a nice lunch at an Indian restaurant called Nawab with my family.  Adam and I thought it would be clever to announce our pregnancy on Mother’s Day.  After sitting down for lunch, we told my mother we had another mother’s day present for her and we said, “We’re pregnant!”  Their faces were priceless.

Being pregnant all those months was filled with wonderful firsts ranging from a little flutter from the baby moving around to a nice swift kick. But my most memorable first by far is the day my first child, Gianna, was born. The doctors and nurses surrounded my husband and me in the delivery room as Dr. Bowles holds her up and says, “It’s a girl!”  They cleaned her up and brought her to my husband.  He held her and showed her round little face to me. Tears slowly started to fall down my face as I thought about this defining in moment in my life. I was restless and excited from a long night waiting for this day to come. I looked at my husband and realized how this day would change his life forever.  This child defined who I was to her. This child defined my husband as her father.  And we became us in that instant setting us apart from all the rest.

Lana and her cheesy smile

We now have a second daughter, Lana, who is now 2 years old.  After having our first child, I often wondered how different she would be and how she would change who we are as a family. The day she was born just enhanced our lives as parents and added a whole new meaning of liveliness to our first daughter’s life. I love her just the same as our first daughter but their personalities are very different from each other. I don’t know if they’ll understand life without each other. I see how they make each other laugh and cry at the same time.  I often wonder how I saw my siblings at this age.  I seriously couldn’t imagine myself without them in my life.

Being parents today isn’t always as picturesque as it may seem but those frustrating days are often seldom.  I do see the overall picture of what we’re doing as parents.  I see how impactful our roles as a mother and a father are to them.  And today, I look at my parents differently than the days when I was a young girl.  When Gianna was born, I broke down crying when they left and just held them thinking: “I’m a mother now. How did they ever do this? How could I ever live life without them?”  And on this day, I had a whole new appreciation for my parents and a whole new definition of being a mother to my own kids.