Facasinating discovery: Siamese Bananas

I wish everyday could be a Siamese Banana day.  When my husband, Adam, showed me this banana, I thought it was a joke.  Sure enough, it was real.  Some people thought it was weird, gross, and even cool.  I got tons of comments on this banana.  And for a few minutes out of my day, I forgot about what happened this whole summer.

This past year my dear husband experienced losing his mother to cancer.  On June 18, the Lord took her pain and suffering away.  Watching this past year was like having tunnel vision and watching everything before you in slow motion.  It was all quite surreal as if I was in a Matrix movie.  At this time in life, I don’t know if anyone is ever really prepared to lose a loved one.  I don’t think anyone is truly ready at any age. 

As my husband and I walked through this together, we had peace in knowing she was in heaven with the Lord.  Almost three weeks later, I experienced watching my dear mother have a stroke.  She was in ICU for two weeks and in the step-down unit for additional two weeks after having brain surgery. Currently, she’s in a rehabilation center on the road to recovery.  (Read my mother’s journey on www.atanganfamily.com)  

People have asked me if I’m angry at God or if I replay the events until this day.  I never questioned God during this time nor was I ever angry at Him.  I could easily blame Him for this.  I could easily walk away from my faith.  I knew there was nothing I could do but pray.  Times like this can give anyone reason to lose faith.  If I had no faith, there would be no hope.  Hope are things not seen.  The doctors and nurses can’t predict the future.  I can’t predict the future either but I can only hope and pray for things not seen.

Now, you’re probably wondering what I thought about my mother-in-law passing away.  Well, her life was a miracle. Everyday she lived passed what the doctors said was a miracle. She touched so many lives in her lifetime. We’re just fortunate we were graced in her presence. As my mother, I pray everyday for her recovery. I pray and hope for God’s miracle because He is the true healer. Everyday she reveals progress is a miracle from God and not of our doing. We’re just here to help Him.

It might seem as if I’m optimistic but I’m a realist. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. I can only hope and pray for it. This is where my faith lies.  If you’ve never seen a Siamese Banana, maybe it’s time you did.

Mama Nadira and Baby Sophia at the Founders Inn pool - Sun., July 5

I haven’t written in a while because my mother, Nadira Atangan, recently suffered a major stroke on Friday, July 10. Fortunately, the girls and I were in town when it happened. I’ve been to the hospital everyday since it happened. I will be posting more updates on www.atanganfamily.com. Please read up on more updates there.

This has been a hard journey for all of us. Keep praying for my mother and complete healing. Also pray for the entire family as well. Thank you again for your prayers, thoughts, comments, phone calls, and cards. We love you all.

As a young woman, I never knew if I’d ever get married or would ever have children at all. I knew I had to be okay with that if the day ever came for me but recalling those memories as a young girl holding those babies in the nursery seemed to be something that would cross my mind occasionally. Deep down, I had a true desire to be a mother but I was still apprehensive whether or not I’d make the right choices in life.  Back then, my future seemed so calculated. Making decisions dealing with any kind of real commitment seemed like a math formula. I would have to have the right mathematical precision in order to get the correct solution.  I guess you can say it was selfish on my part preventing a natural desire to happen physically.  I believe it can be selfish not to allow that kind of love into your life. When I say ’selfish’ I don’t mean all women prevent that from happening on purpose, some women are unable to have babies naturally or may even have difficulties physically.  And sometimes, some women allow that kind of love through nieces, nephews, close friends’ kids, and extended relatives. 

Gianna calls this the Mommy Bear card.

Over the years, I eventually got married in my mid-twenties and warmed up to the idea of motherhood in my late twenties. When a woman decides to have a child or has a strong desire to have one, that desire becomes apparently clear especially among her surroundings.  I started to look at other pregnant women, babies in strollers, families walking together in the park, and mothers feeding their babies. For months, this seemed extremely obvious to me which questioned my ability having children.  After going to the doctor, I still didn’t have a real answer. I later questioned all the external constraints that might have prevented my desire from becoming a reality. I eventually relieved myself of my current profession which was working for a well-known coffee company at the time.  And a few months later, I was pregnant.

I remember the feeling I got when the doctor called me and said, “You’re pregnant.” I was amazed because I took two pregnancy tests earlier in the week and it was negative. I immediately called my husband, Adam, and he was so excited. I can hear his voice filled with joy. We waited a few weeks to tell our families until we had our first ultrasound. It was quite hard to contain this news. Almost five years ago this month, we made a trip to Virginia Beach, Virginia, for my brother’s graduation from grad school on Mother’s Day weekend. We had a nice lunch at an Indian restaurant called Nawab with my family.  Adam and I thought it would be clever to announce our pregnancy on Mother’s Day.  After sitting down for lunch, we told my mother we had another mother’s day present for her and we said, “We’re pregnant!”  Their faces were priceless.

Being pregnant all those months was filled with wonderful firsts ranging from a little flutter from the baby moving around to a nice swift kick. But my most memorable first by far is the day my first child, Gianna, was born. The doctors and nurses surrounded my husband and me in the delivery room as Dr. Bowles holds her up and says, “It’s a girl!”  They cleaned her up and brought her to my husband.  He held her and showed her round little face to me. Tears slowly started to fall down my face as I thought about this defining in moment in my life. I was restless and excited from a long night waiting for this day to come. I looked at my husband and realized how this day would change his life forever.  This child defined who I was to her. This child defined my husband as her father.  And we became us in that instant setting us apart from all the rest.

Lana and her cheesy smile

We now have a second daughter, Lana, who is now 2 years old.  After having our first child, I often wondered how different she would be and how she would change who we are as a family. The day she was born just enhanced our lives as parents and added a whole new meaning of liveliness to our first daughter’s life. I love her just the same as our first daughter but their personalities are very different from each other. I don’t know if they’ll understand life without each other. I see how they make each other laugh and cry at the same time.  I often wonder how I saw my siblings at this age.  I seriously couldn’t imagine myself without them in my life.

Being parents today isn’t always as picturesque as it may seem but those frustrating days are often seldom.  I do see the overall picture of what we’re doing as parents.  I see how impactful our roles as a mother and a father are to them.  And today, I look at my parents differently than the days when I was a young girl.  When Gianna was born, I broke down crying when they left and just held them thinking: “I’m a mother now. How did they ever do this? How could I ever live life without them?”  And on this day, I had a whole new appreciation for my parents and a whole new definition of being a mother to my own kids.

my love runs deep as I see you as a different man today than yesterday.
a man who’s life would change by a promise.
a promise to share more than just a wedding day.
a life of commitment to a young woman’s love for you.

a gift you gave as a young man,
a gift I gave you as a young woman.
little did we know what this gift meant,
little did we know how much more we could give.

challenged by each other’s personality.
challenged to be more of a husband than the day we met.
empowered to change the world,
to stand up and make it count for one another.

never really knowing how much more we could receive,
never really knowing that wall could be broken down by the other.
staring into your eyes as a different woman today,
a better woman now only by God’s grace.

more of a wife today than the day I met you.
a mother to your children.
more of a woman because of your love.
a love I’ll never know by anyone else but you.

eight years today, eternity together.

April 7, 2009 – Our 8th Wedding Anniversary

Since the age of six, my family has lived in Virginia Beach, Virginia, where my father retired and where I grew up. I met my husband there but he’s originally from Orlando, Florida. It’s amazing how I made it back to Florida not just for the Disney experience but we just made a life of it down here. And this past year we made a plunge and bought the Disney annual passes. We normally wouldn’t spend our money on this but part of it was paid for and we knew friends and family were coming into town the same year. It made more sense to go since one of our kids could go for free until the age of 3. Some people might say they’d spend their money on something else like new clothes or invest it in the bank. Now you’d never know until you’ve had the full experience going to Disney the entire year and not just for vacation. When we first moved here, we usually knew someone who get us in for free but our benefits ran out when people left their jobs which wasn’t a benefit to us anymore.

The last couple weekends we’ve been to Magic Kingdom and Epcot. I love the look on our kids faces when we say we’re going to Disney as if it were the first time every time. We even spell it out for them and shouts of joy fill the mini-van. We’ve totally made great use of going to Disney the entire year and it’s given us something to do as a family all year round especially during the holidays.

Today we headed off to Epcot for the Flower and Garden Festival. Adam had a great desire to see the plants and flowers. Landscaping our yard is one his joys in life and for some reason calms him. As we parked our car and hopped on the shuttle, the weather was perfectly cool as if it were meant just for us. We headed to the gate holding passes like they were golden tickets. As soon as we walked through we immediately saw all the towers of flowers and amazing statues of Cinderella and her prince made out of plants and flowers. And all the statues in the front were princesses and special Disney characters all over the park. Having girls, it’s an amazing feeling when you hear the excitement in their voice as they recognize a princess from a Disney movie they’ve seen like Cinderella, Jasmine, and Sleeping Beauty. And when they see these princesses walking around their costumes, my girls truly believe these princesses know them.

As we walked further into the park, we noticed a butterfly garden. Our eldest daugther, Gigi, loves butterflies. In fact, she names all her butterflies Magnet. I’m not quite sure where the name came from but she likes to name all her stuff animals and every animal she comes across. She and Lana were quite curious about all the butterflies flying around and all the plants that attract butterflies. Standing in the butterfly atrium, I seriously felt like a princess with all the flowers and butterflies flying around. Any minute I thought the butterflies were going to spin around me and I’d magically have a beautiful gown lifting me up in the air awaiting to take me to the ball.

Last weekend, we met up with some good friends at Magic Kingdom. This is truly the best park for kids. Near the end of the night, all the kids and parents anxiously await for the parade and fireworks right next to Cinderella’s castle. Our second daughter, Lana, just loves Cinderella, so seeing the castle is always a special treat for her.

The music from all different types of Disney movies started playing and eventually filled the atmosphere as we walked through the park. The music, the lights, and the performers set the mood as the floats started to make its way toward our direction. You can a see a sea of parents holding their kids on their shoulders and people making their way to see the performers on the floats. Suddenly, it became dim and all you could see were the glow of digital cameras and its flashes taking photos.  I had Lana on my shoulders. If you haven’t seen hundreds of kids suddenly go silent, this was the exact moment where hundreds if not thousands of kids watched with their mouth gapping open. I could see performers wearing costumes with tons of bulbed lights and floats with dancing colored lights. One by one each float had Disney characters ranging from Alice in Wonderland, Jafar, to princes and princesses.

Lana suddenly saw Cinderella in her carriage with her prince. She lifted up her hand and started waving. She said, “Cinderella. It’s Cinderella. Hi, Cinderella!” Her little hand was waving as if she were opening a door knob. She looked at me and wanted me to see Cinderella too. My heart just melted. And when the villian Ursula from Ariel went by, both my girls turned their head and hid their eyes.

As soon as the parade was over, hundreds of people in a mob were trying to make their way out or pushing their way through. There was a line of Disney employees next to one another wearing vest uniforms holding blue light savers directing traffic. I thought I was an airplane waiting to take off. Hundreds of people with balloons, Disney gift bags, candy, and stuff animals walking around waiting for the fireworks to go off in front of the castle.

The music was playing and fireworks shot straight up in the air. We stood there staring at the castle being lit up in different colors and the bright lights shot from the fireworks in all different directions. I stood there in awe. I can never tired seeing fireworks.

I see many families there from all over the world. I can hear people speaking in different languages to one another. I can see teenagers walking around with their faces painted. I can see elderly people in wheelchairs or riding around in one of those electric mobiles wearing Mickey Mouse ears and scooting away through the crowds. I can see digital cameras in people’s hands taking photos of friends standing next to a Disney character or in front of a memorable monument. I can see families who saved almost all year or years to come to Disney for Spring Break and probably wouldn’t be back until many years later or not at all.

As we left the park, I couldn’t help but feel I won the lottery every time we go to Disney. I couldn’t help but feel my girls will never know until they’re much older how fortunate they are to experience this time now. I can’t help but feel I’m living more of my childhood now through my children’s eyes.

There once was a day …
Oh, yes, a day!
When flowers were picked for no reason.
When poems were written for love.
When Romeo would die for Juliet.

There once was a day …
Oh, no, not that day!
When puddles turn into tears.
When kisses turn into sex.
When flowers are left in the fields.

There once was a day …
Oh, no, not that day!
When lying is better than honesty.
When cheating is self-satisfying.
When poems are written for lust.

There will be a day …
Oh, yes, a sunny day!
When romance will reign again.
When true love will last longer than lust.
When people start to wake up from the nightmare.

———————————————————————– copyright. Leya A. Macchi

Since I started writing again, it reminded me of the time I was in college writing poems. I rarely ever shared my poems. I usually kept them in a journal where no one would read them. I was more afraid of other people’s responses because it was easier not to hear the rejection. One day a good friend encouraged me to share my poems at a poetry reading. He said if I liked it, it didn’t matter what anybody else thought. As true as it may seem, it still mattered to me what others thought to an extent. I realized I couldn’t please everybody but maybe I could bring insight to just one person who could relate to me and what I was thinking when I wrote it.

I wrote this poem my sophmore year in college. I also read this poem at a poetry reading held by the English department. After I read this poetry, a girl who was a year behind me came up to me and said it really encouraged her and she wanted a copy of this poem to put up in her room to remind her that chivalry was still alive. Later that year, I had this poem published in the literary magazine at school. The poetry readings at school was one of my favorite events at school. I now miss being engaged with others who were creative and artistic with their writing and being able to express themselves through an artistic medium. Blogs, a great new forum for all kinds of artists.

Over the last decade, I started seeing how difficult it was keeping up my physical appearance. I realized how much effort it was and still is. In high school, I ran track and even joined most of the intramural sports offered at college. After college, I realized if no one’s looking I didn’t have to work as hard and push myself. After having children,  both my husband, Adam, and I had to make a conscious effort to improve our physical capabilites. I wouldn’t say it’s easy by any means. This past week I’ve made a huge effort to go to the gym more and work out muscles I never thought I ever had. It sounds sad, I know, because I see people in their sixties probably in better shape than me. It does give me great hope I won’t be waiting till my sixties to come to this reality. I hope someone in their thirties will think the same way when I’m in my sixties.

I started to create smaller short-term goals to attain my long term life goals. I’ve proclaimed being in excellent shape before being pregnant with our third child. Then, in 2011, I’ve decided to sign up for the Disney marathon. It’s one of my life’s goals while living in Orlando. After accomplishing this goal, I plan on making more goals like this every year. I believe setting these goals gives me great ambition and motivation to do great things in life. And maybe, these smaller goals will inspire me to do bigger things on a larger scale in life.

Now you’re probably wondering what exactly inspired this in me. For many of us, it takes a swift kick from a good friend, a tragic accident, love, or a great role model. For me, it took seeing my husband’s grandfather and mother. Adam’s grandfather, Bob, who’s 86 years old has had some serious physical problems such as breathing and walking. Of course, he’s in his eighties and he’s living with great spirit. And in September 2008, Adam’s mother, Pam, discovered having cancer spread throughout her body which derived from breast cancer a few years ago. Her cancer had spread rapidly since she had discovered it. We had stayed in Kansas City, Missouri, for most of November. Then we headed back a week and half later for another couple more weeks. We’re fortunate God has graced her with us till this day. We continue to pray for healing. Talking about this is never easy for anyone especially me who’s a closet crier.

I would never pray anyone should experience this in their whole life but I also don’t know if you’d ever know the great meaning of life if you didn’t. My perspective of life has altered my life greatly when someone experiences pain, suffering, love, or struggle. When I was about 10 years old, I took singing lessons instructed by a woman in her seventies named Mrs. Peace. I went over to her house almost every week singing songs as she played the piano. She played with such excitement where at times I wanted to laugh with happiness. After our lessons, we often sat in her kitchen sitting and talking as she gave me a snack. One day, my parents got a phone call from one of her family members saying she had passed away from old age. I know she wasn’t a close family member but this was my first experience of losing someone I knew so dear to me. That day I locked myself in my parents’ bathroom until my oldest sister, Farah, bribed me to come out and talked to me about what happened. We went to her funeral and I stood over his coffin and just broke down crying. As time goes on, those memories of her started to fade as just nice faint memories of someone I hold dear like in a photo album or a video playing back on DVD.

I can easily say losing someone is something most people struggle with in life. We often struggle with our faith and what to believe in times like this. It’s easy to lay the blame that God doesn’t exist when pain and suffering is concerned. And it doesn’t make me feel better that my only resolution to pain and suffering is having God take the heat. When I was younger, I struggled with my faith because it was “easier” to not know anything and believe everything was relative but that would be an absolute as well. I often had complex thoughts about what was real and what wasn’t. I even doubled majored in Philosophy in college trying to understand it all. I wouldn’t say I’m an intellect or a great philosopher in my day but I can prove a theory and make an opinon just like anyone else. Losing someone you love in your life is very real to me. Those emotions are very real to me. Science and medicine can’t always predict why anyone lives till he’s 86 and live to tell about it. The doctors can’t explain why Pam has lived past November when they thought it was a matter of weeks. If we didn’t believe, there wouldn’t be faith.

I rarely think about the difference between my husband and myself. Our girls do not see the difference between our skin. They only see “mommy” and “daddy”. It’s wonderful to see these things through our children’s eyes.

One day they’ll have more questions and probably a deeper understanding of where my parents grew up which was the Philippines. I find how I was raised in the States made a huge difference in my upbringing especially since my parents always kept their traditional ideals of the Philippines. I can definitely say I’ve instilled a lot those traditions even living in the United States. When I was growing up, I didn’t see a huge difference with my own parents until I started elementary school and realized the differences with the other kids in school. I can only imagine how awkward it would have been for my parents to explain the differences living in the Philippines and living in the States. I remembered the constant frustration not being able to do what the other kids in school get to do like having slumber parties and staying out late. My siblings and I were kept on a short leash but never really understood why mainly because it wasn’t never really explained to us. They were strict and didn’t put up with anything. I also remembered driving us to do well in school. I can’t really say all Filipino parents were all the same but I did see a common thread among other Filipino kids in school. Looking back I’m grateful my parents were the way they were especially now since I have my own kids. I have a deeper understanding of why.

I find it amazing that Adam and I met each other. We were raised differently. Yet, our morals and values were a solid foundation to our relationship till this day. As I learn more and more about my husband especially living in Orlando the last eight years, I’ve learned how similar we are and how we still compliment each other in our differences. First instance, today we drove by the house he grew up in Clermont. The new owners totally remodeled the exterior and restored the interior. The excitement in his eyes was like a boy waking up on Christmas morning and finding presents underneath the tree. We’ve driven by this house the past few years and never stopped to talk to the owners. Today, he stopped and the owners let us look around. The life in his eyes and the memories he had as a child brought a sense of love he experienced living there. As the girls and I sat in the car, he soon came out and wanted all of us to experience his excitement with him. It was like an old movie reel playing of his time in this house. My parents still live in the same house I grew up in since I was six years old. My memories of growing up there are still there.

Now that we live in our first house, I can’t help but feel my kids storing all those memories like we did as a child. This is the house we brought home our first child. This is the house we brought home our second child. When I think about laying next to Gigi and hearing prayers about Jesus changing my skin white, it just reminds me that our children will have these memories of this home with us and all the great moments shared laughing and running around in the backyard.